Where to start a relationship





Where to start a relationship


Sometimes being in a relationship means being in a relationship with self.   Yes with self-first, not always or only with self but, self-FIRST.


Being OK with it.  As a Femme this is not always an easy job, but it is one that needs to be learned. I had to learn it. so I figure others do to.   Beyond being OK we need to embrace being who we are, love ourselves for who we are FEMME!!!  That means defining who we are, taking a good self-inventory and saying hey I like me, I like who I am, I like being different,  I love being exceptional.  Knowing who I was wasn’t easy.  I knew I was a Lesbian by the time I could identify body parts, looking back that is; but I didn’t really know how to define that.

I went from denial to Androgyny to trying to be “normal” (whatever the hell that is) for my family, I mean after all Lezzies were Dykes and Butches right?  I wasn’t either of those, I was girly. Then there was the Androgynous phase again, and the totally confusing baby Dyke phase which I totally didn’t pull off. (Ok don’t laugh at least I’m not a pillow princess).  Then the “I’m me screw it I’m just me” phase.  Well then I met my MSR of 16 years, so I didn’t have to identify as anything I was just Lady J married to Laura.  That was the best just being me.   Well now I’m alone again and it’s not so easy being in community and having to identify oneself.  I often didn’t think I should have to, and then I figured it was like a badge of courage and I should be proud of it.  I earned it I finally could put it on like a fine pair of shoes and people could either recognize it or not.  If they didn’t recognize that wasn’t my problem, I know who I am and I’m good with it.

We as Femmes are not identified as Lesbians unless we are in a LGBT(BF) venue, and then not always acknowledged as such.  We are more times than not the odd woman out, as it is. We as Femmes are often approached by straight men, in the workplace as well as in our daily roundabouts, and not by the Butch we may desire.  What don’t they get, just because we wear makeup and heels doesn’t mean we want a man geeeeeez! (sarcasm don’t you just love it) Whereas our Butch counterparts are regularly identified for whom they are Butches. (And the only ones hitting on them are just what they want Femmes).  So unless we have a Butch on our arm it isn’t always easy to be seen for who we are.  Even members of our own community doubt us at times.  We are often questioned as to whether we are Bi, Bi curious, straight, and how could we possibly be gay if we bore children!  OK so some of those questions may be legitimate, and can be addressed later.  For now let’s concentrate on what that has to do with being in a relationship with yourself..

Due to not being readily identified as to who we are, we have to identify ourselves.  We have to be able to say OK me, I like women I like being a queer lesbian woman who just happens to enjoy being feminine.  Hell NO I don’t enjoy it ….it is just who I am, so I just live it and love it.  I like Butch women and that doesn’t mean I like men or masculinity, it simply means I like Butch women.

You or I don’t have to be androgynous or look androgynous to be a Lesbian.  We can embrace the soft and demurring side of self we can embrace the strong side of us that knows how to deal with work, and home and all that goes with it.  We can love to be verbal and strong and opinionated, and still be tender and loving, and like makeup.    We know we may have to spend time alone, unless we put self out there, but that is yet another hurdle.    I personally don’t want to be invisible, but I’m not a bar person, and I don’t want to date every Tara, Della, and Helen that comes around.   I’m tired of being told all I need is a good man to fix me.  I am not broken damnit, and neither are you. If I have to spend enormous amounts of time alone not having the same opportunities (or not wanting to take part in them) as my straight girlfriends I will.  I will embrace that time because I will not settle for being something I’m not.

(Most of the Country is not endowed with organizations promoting LGBTBF activities.)Unless you live in a larger urban area, or somewhere where a community has settled intentionally, you don’t have exposure to likeminded folks.  Butches typically hang out within the Lesbian community and have very few straight friends. (At least that is my experience)  Femmes on the other hand have straight and gay friends.  This makes it harder for us to find  MSR. Right if that is what we are looking for.  OK so we can go bowling with the local league and have Joe Schmoot on our team hitting on us every week, but that really isn’t all that much fun guys.

Soooooooooooo…………It is imperative that we learn to have a great relationship with ourselves in order to stay healthy.    It is important for ALL people to be good with themselves of course.  So before we can be in relationship with someone else we have to put aside all the BS that people give us.  Put aside all the labels just for a second and say hey I’m good with me.  We are after all just as much Lesbian as the one in the comfortable shoes and the kayak! (Although kayaking is great fun).  It is OK to eat alone, shop alone, go to the movies alone or any other damn thing, heck it’s OK to sit home and read a book, or take a walk in a safe place to do anything at all  ALL BY YOUSELF!  Then you will be able to go through the door of that club alone, or to the Mingle or Dance or come out to the jerk in line and tell him he’s batting for the wrong team!   Or none of the above, it’s entirely up to you of course.

Only when you are good with being who you are will you be ok with having someone else in your life to share all the goodness that is intelligent, caring, beautiful, sexy, femmie you.




Being in a relationship with yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. So before you go looking for a relationship with someone else, I hope you start right where you are with Yourself.












I know and do not expect  everyone to agree with the things I said here; so please feel free to comment I really do want your input.



2 thoughts on “Where to start a relationship

  1. I dislike that the vast majority of Femmes are hidden under a veil of invisiblilty, until a Butch is seen to take their arm, or be the significant other’ coming to collect them from work. Lord knows you gals deserve to be visible in your own right. I to, agree with your piece, ‘cuz if you cant love yourself, how can you love or be loved by someone else

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