Bullying yup even in our community
I am back and writing what I want and when I want and am able to. Imagine that me being intimidated into not writing. Well I was; but no more I will not be intimidated or bullied. I decided to write about Bullying yup Bullying even in our LGBTQ B/F Community.
While I tried to believe in the goodness of everyone and yes there is goodness in everyone, I have been reminded that there are also dark or errant patches in everyone, including me. Recognizing those things is crucial to healthy living. Recognizing warning signs of errant uncorrected behavior is crucial when beginning or exiting any relationship be it personal, professional or cursory. Standing up for ones’ self and the truth no matter what the circumstance, is not always easy.
Just as we rally to any cause that is worthy of defending we should defend ourselves, or we become bullied, and open the door for others to be subject to bullying. For too long we have not defended loudly enough, and being Femme and often Demure we say nothing when we believe in something. Be that a cause or a person or self. I have many causes but the biggest cause is Human Rights and Human Dignity for all.
Due to the Very Nature of our community and the Butch and Trans Men being seen as, or desiring to be more dominant makes bullying more prominent in our community. True or False well maybe, but either way it doesn’t matter it needs to be stopped. Is bullying part of our partners or acquaintances quest to show their maleness? Yes No Maybe, but either way it doesn’t matter it needs to be stopped. We as Femmes, how do we deal with wanting hard, hot and domineering Butches without getting mean bullies? Is there a difference? Well I certainly think there is.
First off let’s start with defining bullying.
According to Psychology today it is “Distinctive pattern of deliberately harming and humiliating others. It is distinctive durable behavioral style, largely because Bullies get what they want at first .”
According to Bullying statistics.org “Some consider bullying to be purposeful attempts to control another person through verbal abuse – which can be in tone of voice or in content such as teasing or threats – exclusion, or physical bullying or violence, which the victim does not want. While some ties the feature of “peer abuse” and “repeated activity” into the definition of bullying, others acknowledge single instances and age difference in their definitions of bullying. Bullying occurs in schools, workplaces, in homes, on playgrounds, in the military, and in nursing homes, for example. In the article “Uncovering the hidden causes of bullying and school violence” published in Counseling and Human Development in February, 2000, Barry K. Weinhold states that bullying is the most common type of violence in contemporary US society. Although a form of harassment, bullying is considered to be a separate category from sexual harassment.
Types of Bullies are varied and many here are a few:
Why do people Bully Why do we allow ourselves to be Bullied
It crosses all lines, it doesn’t matter whether we are gay or straight, trans or not, Gender Queer, Third Gender, Butch, Femme we are all subject to being bullied or having been bullied. But Why………..
Are we more picked on as children and adults because we are gender neutral or butch looking, or because we as femmes hide ourselves and long to be accepted for who we are, and not hidden and looked at as “normal women” who like men.
For us here and now I will address the most prevalent of bullying since we are on the internet and that is:
Cyberbullying and verbal bullying:
Females (gay and straight) are most typically associated with these types of bullying behaviors. Verbal bullying is also a very common type of bullying that almost everyone is guilty of at some point in time or another. Simple name calling may not be considered a big deal, but it is still a type of bullying. Verbal bullying, whether it is said face-to-face, behind someone’s back or over the Internet, can still be devastating to those who are targeted.
Cyber bullying can be worse than other types of bullying because the bully may be anonymous or meaner than they would be in person, and the bullying can come at any time and in any place. Cyber bullying is related to short and long term problems for the victims, such as feeling fear and mistrust toward others. It is important to stop cyber bullying and get help for the victims and the perpetrators.
Why would someone bully why would they take the easy way to deal with their inadequacies? Why as people mature, and progress through life, wouldn’t they stop the behaviors of their youth? Sadly, adults can be bullies, just as children and teenagers can be bullies. While adults are more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical bullying, the fact of the matter is that adult bullying exists. The fact of the matter is that LGBTQ B/F Bullying exists.
The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person, and make hymself or hyrself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims, and “show them who is boss.” They often try to blame someone else for problems that they think will be perceived as their doing, when there is no blame or fault to place and no need for bullying at all.
Because this has happened to me in the past it is important to me, to give the information necessary to help stop bullying. I want to help others so that they recognize it, and know how to defend against it. This will help not only them, but by disallowing another to bully them, it helps the potential or past bullier from repeating unhealthy behavior. Unfortunately this does happen to Femmes more, and often ends up in a Domestic Abuse situation. (Which will be addressed in an upcoming article/blog) Be your own BOSS a Bright Observant Self-sufficient Siren!
There are several different types of adult bullies, and it helps to know how they operate:
Narcissistic Adult Bully: This type of adult bully is self-centered and does not share empathy with others. Additionally, there is little anxiety about consequences. He or she seems to feel good about him or herself, but in reality has a brittle narcissism that requires putting others down. They can also be considered Sociopathic.
Impulsive Adult Bully: Adult bullies in this category are more spontaneous and plan their bullying out less. Even if consequences are likely, this adult bully has a hard time restraining his or her behavior. In some cases, this type of bullying may be unintentional, resulting in periods of stress, or when the bully is actually upset or concerned about something unconnected with the victim.
Physical Bully: While adult bullying rarely turns to physical confrontation, there are, nonetheless, bullies that use physicality. In some cases, the adult bully may not actually physically harm the victim, but may use the threat of harm, or physical domination through looming. Additionally, a physical bully may damage or steal a victim’s property, rather than physically confronting the victim. This is different from Domestic Abuse in many cases but may be closely associated or cross the line.
Verbal Adult Bully: Words can be quite damaging. Adult bullies who use this type of tactic may start rumors about the victim, or use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This subtle type of bullying also has the advantage – to the bully – of being difficult to document. However, the emotional and psychological impacts of verbal bullying can be felt quite keenly and can result in reduced job performance and even depression.
Secondary Adult Bully: This is someone who does not initiate the bullying, but joins in so that he or she does not actually become a victim down the road. Secondary bullies may feel bad about what they are doing, but are more concerned about protecting themselves, would they not mature what is it to be an Adult Bully.
Here are a few of psychologies reasons for being a bully:
Cultural Causes of Bullying In a culture that is fascinated with winning, power, and violence, some experts suggest that it is unrealistic to expect that people will not be influenced to seek power through violence in their own lives. Researchers point to the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) and other violent entertainment venues, and movies as glorification of bullies in the name of entertainment and point out that the high rate of domestic violence means that many young people grow up expecting that violence is an acceptable way to get what one wants.
The Bully’s Personal History: Children who experience social rejection themselves are more likely to “pass it on” to others. Children who experience academic failure are also more likely to bully others. This goes back to our Butches being bullied in school because they were different and not accepted on the whole by children who were trained not to accept those that were not just the same as they were.
Social Issues: The fact that one gets more social recognition for negative behaviors than for positive ones can also contribute to reasons why people bully. Situation comedies and reality television, as well as real life situations in schools, for example, show that acting out is more likely to get noticed than behaving oneself civilly and courteously. Jealousy or envy and a lack of personal and social skills to deal with such feelings can also be reasons why people bully.
Family Issues: Families that are not warm and loving and in which feelings are not shared, or too freely shared, or who reject their child’s sexuality, are more likely to have children who bully, either within the family home or in other locations in which the children meet others. Another home environment that is prone to producing bullies is one in which discipline and monitoring are inconsistent and/or a punitive atmosphere exists.
Having Power: Some research indicates that the very fact of having power may make some people wish to wield it in a noticeable way, but it is also true that people may be given power without being trained in the leadership skills that will help them wield it wisely. Either situation can contribute to why people bully others.
Being the Victim:
Bullies couldn’t exist without victims, and they don’t pick on just anyone. They single out less assertive persons (Femmes) who radiate fear long before they encounter a bully. This could be a fear of anything being alone, being without money, and any number of reasons. Not all victims produce sympathy from others. Provocative Victims People who are annoying and condescending to others and/or aggressive verbally, or in other ways that are not picked up by those in authority, may contribute to the dynamic that can be characterized as bullying by one individual but actually grows out of provocation by another individual.
How to deal with the bullying
Institutional Causes If the institution at which the bullying takes place – whether the home, the school, the web host, or the workplace – does not have high standards for the way people treat each other, then bullying may be more likely and/or prevalent and have an influence on why people bully. It may not take action to correct the situation and when and if it does do we accept the corrective action. For an example if hosting a site on youtube or facebook, and you repeatedly fallaciously mentioned someone so that it could be considered as bullying, would it be censorship to ban or take that page down? There are many grey lines in institutional acceptance of bullying.
Identify the behaviors of the bully for what they are
Avoid whenever possible so that you are not negatively affected
Assert yourself whenever possible pull up your big gyrl panties think more highly of yourself tell the bully to take a hike
Talk to authorities If nothing else works and let them take care of business
Avoid any future contact if possible with said bully
Being Femme doesn’t mean being stepped on or being a pushover or allowing yourself to be bullied into anything by anybody! You can be a strong fierce Femme and be attractive and smart and be loved not only by your family and yourself but by a fabulous strong Butch. So stand up for yourself and help stop bullying by not stopping it right in your own backyard. Then you can go out and defend other as well!